I am fed up of rude people. Lately that includes my children (at times anyway). And I can't fault them really. They are surrounded by a culture that approves of rude behavior. Just watch a few episodes of shows on Disney Channel and your head will reel.
Except Phineas and Ferb.
Don't knock that show. It's hilarious and I love it.
Our children are raised watching shows where exceptionally rude behaviour is met, not with shock and disdain by the audience, but with laughter. We teach our kids that it's cool and funny to be rude, selfish, mean and dumb.
Nice.
Let's look at what we adults watch and laugh at/with. There is an abundance of shows with rude actors, reality TV stars, anchors and other TV personalities. For those of you who watched Ricky Gervais during Oscar night... were you disgusted or amused? Be honest now. America has become a country that lauds mediocrity, rudeness and downright insulting behavior. We confuse rudeness and maliciousness with honesty and straightforwardness.
Half the adult shows we watch are based on making fun of others, being rude and obnoxious. And we gobble it up. I notice an uptick in my children's rudeness depending on what they watch and I firmly believe that adults are just as susceptible to it.
When my son or daughter is rude or mouthy I call them on their bad behavior. Unfortunately we let adults get away with it. How often have we been faced with a rude person and said something? I bet most of us just seethe inside but keep our mouths shut.
I own a business and my staff and I have seen a considerable increase in our customers' rudeness over the years. And since we need their business we suck it up. I've even had my receptionist have to dodge a pen being thrown at her. That was you Mr. Durrant !!!!! And guess what, we were dumb enough to let you use our services again. In fact you are a customer right now. What kind of manners did your mother teach you? But your money is just as green and we have to pay our bills. So, we suck it up.
Entitlement Society At sometime, in the last 80 years or so, we have become increasingly demanding. The customer is king. Now, over the last few years, this entitlement notion, has been coupled with rudeness. We see it all around us. It's cool to be demanding and rude. We often we have customers come at us with an aggressive stance regarding some demands they have. I wish they would understand that a polite and sweet demeanor would be so much more effective. Be polite, be appreciative and you'll have a much better chance to get what you want and get it a lot faster than by being obnoxious and manipulative. Man, I wish I could tell them that.
Internet Society The anonymity afforded us by the Internet has greatly contributed to the general tone we find among people. People are downright vicious, rude and malicious behind that perceived veil of privacy and anonymity called the Internet.
I've been accused of being rude. So has my staff. Surprisingly the people who call us rude are invariably the ones who come at us with unreasonable demands and then are surprised when we stand firmly by our policy. And I stand firmly by my staff. I've seen them stay calm and polite even when they had someone scream at them and call them names (and later complain to me that my staff had been rude to them).
I had three customers scream at me. I asked one to leave the building when she started to throw things around, denied another one service (incidentally she came back the next year much better behaved and a pleasure to deal with), and I hung up on the third. The one I hung up on called back and was incredulous.
"Did you hang up on me just now?"
"Yes, I did. And if you yell at me again I'll hang up again."
"Oh? Well, it was on a speakerphone so you probably thought I was shouting."
" No sir, you were shouting at me and when you do that I cannot hear your words, only your voice."
Silence....
"Well, I am sorry."
" Good, apology accepted. Let's discuss this like adults now."
And we did. And it worked out so much better that way.
Being polite does not mean being a push-over, or a floor mat. I've seen parents shrug their shoulders when their little darling was rude or selfish and pass it off with a 'Oh, she's is so strong willed' or some other excuse of similar nature. We do not give our children the tools to maintain their position in an educated and polite way and so they become rude and obnoxious and we wonder what happened. 'Gee, I have no idea where he gets it from?' Have you looked in a mirror lately? Watch your kids. Our mirror is right there.
(And since we are talking about rude...when you go into a business or store and ask the employee questions could you please not talk on your cellphone at the same time and later on claim that your questions weren't properly answered?)
Showing posts with label Rants and Raves. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rants and Raves. Show all posts
Friday, October 21, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
La la lala la la lala Elmo's World...
Elmo.... if you raised a child in America in the last 30 years you've met him. He is a small, furry monster, who lives on Sesame Street. He is affectionate, kind and caring. He loves to meet little kids and just adores babies. Elmo lives in 'Elmo's World and has a Methuselah of a goldfish called Dorothy.
My daughter adored Elmo when she was a young toddler. Her second birthday cake featured Elmo. She had Elmo shirts, sneakers, bags and of course an Elmo stuffie. And as much as it was a treasured part of her early toddler life, I was elated when she outgrew Elmo. You see, Elmo always drove me crazy.
La la lala la la lala Elmo's World...
La la lala la la lala Elmo's World...
What drove me nuts wasn't his falsetto, or even his ever cheerful, insipid voice. It was the fact that even after 30 years he still hadn't learned the use of pro-nouns.
La la lala la la lala Elmo's World...
Someone hand me an airsickness bag...
La la lala la la lala Elmo's World...
.... please.... aaarrrgghhhhh, no !!! it has Elmo on it !!
excuse me.............
......sorry.
Would someone please enroll that furry, red, little monster in an intervention class? He has got to learn to use pronouns. What is he teaching our kids? I thought Sesame Street was all about fun and LEARNING! Give the little creep an ultimatum... start using pro-nouns or you're looking for a new job.
My daughter adored Elmo when she was a young toddler. Her second birthday cake featured Elmo. She had Elmo shirts, sneakers, bags and of course an Elmo stuffie. And as much as it was a treasured part of her early toddler life, I was elated when she outgrew Elmo. You see, Elmo always drove me crazy.
La la lala la la lala Elmo's World...
La la lala la la lala Elmo's World...
What drove me nuts wasn't his falsetto, or even his ever cheerful, insipid voice. It was the fact that even after 30 years he still hadn't learned the use of pro-nouns.
La la lala la la lala Elmo's World...
Someone hand me an airsickness bag...
La la lala la la lala Elmo's World...
.... please.... aaarrrgghhhhh, no !!! it has Elmo on it !!
excuse me.............
......sorry.
Would someone please enroll that furry, red, little monster in an intervention class? He has got to learn to use pronouns. What is he teaching our kids? I thought Sesame Street was all about fun and LEARNING! Give the little creep an ultimatum... start using pro-nouns or you're looking for a new job.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I don't do Chinese Mothering and my Kids are still OK!
As the evidence suggests, Amy Chua, and her Chinese mothering techniques are the topic of much discussion among thousands of parents. If over 5,700 comments on the WSJ article alone wasn't enough any site that carried the article and permitted comments/feedback was certainly inundated. We talked about the article a great deal in our home since we read it in the Saturday Edition of The Wallstreet Journal. Aside from her insufferable air of superiority there is a lot to be learned from this. It made me evaluate our parenting philosophy.
Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior
Can a regimen of no playdates, no TV, no computer games and hours of music practice create happy kids? And what happens when they fight back?
By AMY CHUA
A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
• attend a sleepover
• have a playdate
• be in a school play
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin.
***We are a family that places a great deal of importance in academic achievement. But we understand that the success of a person rests not only in a ton of academic achievements, or conversely having six extra curricular activities under ones belt per week but in a balance thereof. Being in a school play fosters a number of important skills which these children most likely lack. Participating in playdates and sleep-overs fosters the exchange of ideas. It also allows children to have a glimpse into the life and ways of other families, see the differences and similarities and respecting and learning from those. One would suspect that Amy Chua didn't want her children to 'get any ideas' and therefore prevented interaction with other children. How sad!
I'm using the term "Chinese mother" loosely. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I'm also using the term "Western parents" loosely. Western parents come in all varieties.
*** I know some parents who somewhat qualify but none to the extent of Amy Chua. The bunch of Indian parents I know, who like Amy Chua, focus greatly on academic and artistic achievement all temper their drive with time off, even if limited. Those kids can go on playdates, participate in school plays and are well-rounded individuals.
All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.
***I think daily practise is important but honestly would I be willing to hover over my kids 2-3 hours a day while they practise the violin? Not a chance. And not because I don't love music but because I know that they are unlikely to be the next YoYo Ma. I would much rather let them play and explore and be truly creative than practise hours of music. Half to one hour of practise? Great idea! 2-3 hours? Waste of time.
Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun." By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be "the best" students, that "academic achievement reflects successful parenting," and that if children did not excel at school then there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing their job." Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.
****I believe both, that learning must be fun and interesting to be something the student can be passionate about. How many of us can recall classes with teachers whose lukewarm delivery all but lulled us to sleep? ( Mrs. Das I am talking about you.....) But I also believe that my childrens' academic achievements reflects on me as a parent. Let me elaborate. My husband and I believe that the parents' strong involvement in their child's schooling goes a long way in creating success. Many western parents I know, aren't willing (or able) to spend that much time and effort. And I don't mean bringing cookies once in a while to the class or staying to help the teacher for a theater production. I mean the daily grind of reviewing what the child learned that day, supervising homework and making sure the child understood it all. Many folks feel they can just leave all that to the teacher and the school and then holler bloody murder when their kids get grades that reflect that mindset. Parents are the single most driving force in a student's success. Show me a parent who has a 'who cares, it ain't my job, that's what I pay taxes for' attitude and I'll show you a student with the same 'who cares' attitude to match.
What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something-whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet- he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.
Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can't. Once when I was young-maybe more than once-when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me "garbage" in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.
As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the remaining guests.
***I couldn't decide whether to cry after reading this or be outraged. There are somethings my parents have done which were outrageously insulting. Specifically my Dad who has anger management issues and I remember them to this day. I will never verbally abuse my children like Ms. Chua. Sure, we all will, by the time we are done raising our kids, be accused of saying something we regret later on. Calling my child names when he or she is being disrespectful to me is a lack of control. Just because the child acted in a reprehensible manner doesn't warrant my acting in a likewise manner. Who is the grown up here?
The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable-even legally actionable-to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty-lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western father toast his adult daughter by calling her "beautiful and incredibly competent." She later told me that made her feel like garbage.)
Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, "You're lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you." By contrast, Western parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they're not disappointed about how their kids turned out.
*** I am not perfect and therefore cannot DEMAND perfection from my children. I can only suggest it and tell them to expect if from themselves.
I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do. I think there are three big differences between the Chinese and Western parental mind-sets.
First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.
For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child "stupid," "worthless" or "a disgrace." Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher's credentials.
If a Chinese child gets a B- which would never happen-there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.
Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home.)
*** Here to some extent I must agree. American society, has become increasingly narcissistic. And mediocrity is completely accepted. How many of us have been to little league ball games, tumbling/gymnastic/cheerleading meets, and other minor events and seen every kid toddle off with a little trophy. We pat them on the back and the result is that we've ended up teaching these kids two things, and both wrong. ONE- you don't need to work hard to become good at something, someone will give you rewards just for having a pulse and showing up. And TWO- Patience and perseverance is not needed in life. We are a microwave society and your trophy will be ready in 5,4,3,2,1, Enjoy-your-meal, seconds. Shaming a child is definitely not the way to go. But for goodness sakes, what is wrong with setting some goals and standards and let these kids strive for something higher in life. I can instill a drive for success in my children without shaming them. But I don't praise mediocrity either.
Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it's true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.
By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents. My husband, Jed, actually has the opposite view. "Children don't choose their parents," he once said to me. "They don't even choose to be born. It's parents who foist life on their kids, so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids." This strikes me as a terrible deal for the Western parent.
***Yes, my duty is to my children. They were born per our choice! It is that sense of duty that fuels me to do my best while I help them grow their wings and learn to fly! It is important that they learn from me about this world that surrounds us and how to navigate it. They owe me their hard work in the sense that I expect us to be a team.
Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences. That's why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can't go to sleepaway camp. It's also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, "I got a part in the school play! I'm Villager Number Six. I'll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I'll also need a ride on weekends." God help any Chinese kid who tried that one.
Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely different parenting model.
Here's a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style. Lulu was about 7, still playing two instruments, and working on a piano piece called "The Little White Donkey" by the French composer Jacques Ibert. The piece is really cute-you can just imagine a little donkey ambling along a country road with its master-but it's also incredibly difficult for young players because the two hands have to keep schizophrenically different rhythms.
Lulu couldn't do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands together, one always morphed into the other, and everything fell apart. Finally, the day before her lesson, Lulu announced in exasperation that she was giving up and stomped off.
"Get back to the piano now," I ordered.
"You can't make me."
"Oh yes, I can."
Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn't have "The Little White Donkey" perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, "I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?" I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn't do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.
Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu--which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her-and that he didn't think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the technique-perhaps she didn't have the coordination yet-had I considered that possibility?
*** Jed was right, calling a child lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic is insulting and abusive. "You just don't believe in her," I accused.
"That's ridiculous," Jed said scornfully. "Of course I do."
"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."
"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.
"Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes. "Everyone is special in their special own way," I mimicked sarcastically. "Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don't worry, you don't have to lift a finger. I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."
I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn't let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.
Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together-her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing-just like that.
Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.
***Yes, I have used similar tactics with my daughter when it came to some math (division) recently. However, I did feed and water the child and I did not verbally abuse her. Missy was informed that careless mistakes on something so basic were inexcusable and she would have to do three more question for every one she got wrong. It took a few hours, some Kleenex and snacks but she did it! Here is the crux though, Amy Chua stayed by her daughter's side the entire time. So did I. You cannot succeed in this if you aren't willing to put in the time.
"Mommy, look-it's easy!" After that, she wanted to play the piece over and over and wouldn't leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up. When she performed "The Little White Donkey" at a recital a few weeks later, parents came up to me and said, "What a perfect piece for Lulu-it's so spunky and so her."
Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.
There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids' true interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it's a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.
Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.
***I think a balanced approach is the way to go. Admittedly I expect a lot from my children. But as a homeschooling mother that merely means that I must expect much from myself. I cannot blame anyone but myself if my kids don't do well academically. However, I believe in their self esteem. I believe in love and kindness. I believe in being strict and demanding but tempering my expectations with the understanding and acceptance of the fact that my children are just that... children. They need the opportunity to play pretend. They need the opportunity to meet other people and see how they live to truly succeed in this world. And yes, my kids watch TV, they watch the news and they do play video games. Amy Chua's children probably have somewhat of a myopic view of this world since their mother has chosen to curtail their horizon so severely. Are Amy Chua's daughters exceptionally talented in what they do? Without a doubt! How well they'll end up doing in the real world where they have to deal with other people and their viewpoints is up for debate.
Amy Chua is a professor at Yale Law School and author of "Day of Empire" and "World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred and Global Instability." This essay is excerpted from "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua, to be published Tuesday by the Penguin Press, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Copyright © 2011 by Amy Chua.
Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior
Can a regimen of no playdates, no TV, no computer games and hours of music practice create happy kids? And what happens when they fight back?
By AMY CHUA
A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
• attend a sleepover
• have a playdate
• be in a school play
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin.
***We are a family that places a great deal of importance in academic achievement. But we understand that the success of a person rests not only in a ton of academic achievements, or conversely having six extra curricular activities under ones belt per week but in a balance thereof. Being in a school play fosters a number of important skills which these children most likely lack. Participating in playdates and sleep-overs fosters the exchange of ideas. It also allows children to have a glimpse into the life and ways of other families, see the differences and similarities and respecting and learning from those. One would suspect that Amy Chua didn't want her children to 'get any ideas' and therefore prevented interaction with other children. How sad!
I'm using the term "Chinese mother" loosely. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I'm also using the term "Western parents" loosely. Western parents come in all varieties.
*** I know some parents who somewhat qualify but none to the extent of Amy Chua. The bunch of Indian parents I know, who like Amy Chua, focus greatly on academic and artistic achievement all temper their drive with time off, even if limited. Those kids can go on playdates, participate in school plays and are well-rounded individuals.
All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.
***I think daily practise is important but honestly would I be willing to hover over my kids 2-3 hours a day while they practise the violin? Not a chance. And not because I don't love music but because I know that they are unlikely to be the next YoYo Ma. I would much rather let them play and explore and be truly creative than practise hours of music. Half to one hour of practise? Great idea! 2-3 hours? Waste of time.
Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun." By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be "the best" students, that "academic achievement reflects successful parenting," and that if children did not excel at school then there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing their job." Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.
****I believe both, that learning must be fun and interesting to be something the student can be passionate about. How many of us can recall classes with teachers whose lukewarm delivery all but lulled us to sleep? ( Mrs. Das I am talking about you.....) But I also believe that my childrens' academic achievements reflects on me as a parent. Let me elaborate. My husband and I believe that the parents' strong involvement in their child's schooling goes a long way in creating success. Many western parents I know, aren't willing (or able) to spend that much time and effort. And I don't mean bringing cookies once in a while to the class or staying to help the teacher for a theater production. I mean the daily grind of reviewing what the child learned that day, supervising homework and making sure the child understood it all. Many folks feel they can just leave all that to the teacher and the school and then holler bloody murder when their kids get grades that reflect that mindset. Parents are the single most driving force in a student's success. Show me a parent who has a 'who cares, it ain't my job, that's what I pay taxes for' attitude and I'll show you a student with the same 'who cares' attitude to match.
What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something-whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet- he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.
Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can't. Once when I was young-maybe more than once-when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me "garbage" in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.
As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the remaining guests.
***I couldn't decide whether to cry after reading this or be outraged. There are somethings my parents have done which were outrageously insulting. Specifically my Dad who has anger management issues and I remember them to this day. I will never verbally abuse my children like Ms. Chua. Sure, we all will, by the time we are done raising our kids, be accused of saying something we regret later on. Calling my child names when he or she is being disrespectful to me is a lack of control. Just because the child acted in a reprehensible manner doesn't warrant my acting in a likewise manner. Who is the grown up here?
The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable-even legally actionable-to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty-lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western father toast his adult daughter by calling her "beautiful and incredibly competent." She later told me that made her feel like garbage.)
Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, "You're lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you." By contrast, Western parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they're not disappointed about how their kids turned out.
*** I am not perfect and therefore cannot DEMAND perfection from my children. I can only suggest it and tell them to expect if from themselves.
I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do. I think there are three big differences between the Chinese and Western parental mind-sets.
First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.
For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child "stupid," "worthless" or "a disgrace." Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher's credentials.
If a Chinese child gets a B- which would never happen-there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.
Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home.)
*** Here to some extent I must agree. American society, has become increasingly narcissistic. And mediocrity is completely accepted. How many of us have been to little league ball games, tumbling/gymnastic/cheerleading meets, and other minor events and seen every kid toddle off with a little trophy. We pat them on the back and the result is that we've ended up teaching these kids two things, and both wrong. ONE- you don't need to work hard to become good at something, someone will give you rewards just for having a pulse and showing up. And TWO- Patience and perseverance is not needed in life. We are a microwave society and your trophy will be ready in 5,4,3,2,1, Enjoy-your-meal, seconds. Shaming a child is definitely not the way to go. But for goodness sakes, what is wrong with setting some goals and standards and let these kids strive for something higher in life. I can instill a drive for success in my children without shaming them. But I don't praise mediocrity either.
Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it's true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.
By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents. My husband, Jed, actually has the opposite view. "Children don't choose their parents," he once said to me. "They don't even choose to be born. It's parents who foist life on their kids, so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids." This strikes me as a terrible deal for the Western parent.
***Yes, my duty is to my children. They were born per our choice! It is that sense of duty that fuels me to do my best while I help them grow their wings and learn to fly! It is important that they learn from me about this world that surrounds us and how to navigate it. They owe me their hard work in the sense that I expect us to be a team.
Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences. That's why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can't go to sleepaway camp. It's also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, "I got a part in the school play! I'm Villager Number Six. I'll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I'll also need a ride on weekends." God help any Chinese kid who tried that one.
Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely different parenting model.
Here's a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style. Lulu was about 7, still playing two instruments, and working on a piano piece called "The Little White Donkey" by the French composer Jacques Ibert. The piece is really cute-you can just imagine a little donkey ambling along a country road with its master-but it's also incredibly difficult for young players because the two hands have to keep schizophrenically different rhythms.
Lulu couldn't do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands together, one always morphed into the other, and everything fell apart. Finally, the day before her lesson, Lulu announced in exasperation that she was giving up and stomped off.
"Get back to the piano now," I ordered.
"You can't make me."
"Oh yes, I can."
Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn't have "The Little White Donkey" perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, "I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?" I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn't do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.
Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu--which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her-and that he didn't think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the technique-perhaps she didn't have the coordination yet-had I considered that possibility?
*** Jed was right, calling a child lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic is insulting and abusive. "You just don't believe in her," I accused.
"That's ridiculous," Jed said scornfully. "Of course I do."
"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."
"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.
"Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes. "Everyone is special in their special own way," I mimicked sarcastically. "Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don't worry, you don't have to lift a finger. I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."
I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn't let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.
Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together-her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing-just like that.
Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.
***Yes, I have used similar tactics with my daughter when it came to some math (division) recently. However, I did feed and water the child and I did not verbally abuse her. Missy was informed that careless mistakes on something so basic were inexcusable and she would have to do three more question for every one she got wrong. It took a few hours, some Kleenex and snacks but she did it! Here is the crux though, Amy Chua stayed by her daughter's side the entire time. So did I. You cannot succeed in this if you aren't willing to put in the time.
"Mommy, look-it's easy!" After that, she wanted to play the piece over and over and wouldn't leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up. When she performed "The Little White Donkey" at a recital a few weeks later, parents came up to me and said, "What a perfect piece for Lulu-it's so spunky and so her."
Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.
There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids' true interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it's a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.
Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.
***I think a balanced approach is the way to go. Admittedly I expect a lot from my children. But as a homeschooling mother that merely means that I must expect much from myself. I cannot blame anyone but myself if my kids don't do well academically. However, I believe in their self esteem. I believe in love and kindness. I believe in being strict and demanding but tempering my expectations with the understanding and acceptance of the fact that my children are just that... children. They need the opportunity to play pretend. They need the opportunity to meet other people and see how they live to truly succeed in this world. And yes, my kids watch TV, they watch the news and they do play video games. Amy Chua's children probably have somewhat of a myopic view of this world since their mother has chosen to curtail their horizon so severely. Are Amy Chua's daughters exceptionally talented in what they do? Without a doubt! How well they'll end up doing in the real world where they have to deal with other people and their viewpoints is up for debate.
Amy Chua is a professor at Yale Law School and author of "Day of Empire" and "World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred and Global Instability." This essay is excerpted from "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua, to be published Tuesday by the Penguin Press, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Copyright © 2011 by Amy Chua.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Arrggh! Perfectionism meets Teenage Hormones!
This morning is not shaping up too well. My ten year old daughter is upstairs in her room sobbing her eyes out because she didn't get a glowing critique on a piece of creative writing. She has a tendency to mix the tense mid paragraph going from present perfect to past perfect. Additionally she failed to meet the assignement's real purpose, to create a character and tell us about her.
My almost eleven year old is sobbing in her room and I am really to bang my head against the wall. I told her that I am not her personal cheering squad and will push her harder as she gets older. Mediocrity will not do. Mediocrity will not get her anywhere in this world. Look where mediocrity has led this country. Hard work and sacrifice by our forfathers built this amazing country. And mediocrity is tearing it down.
(A few minutes later) I just realized that she has no goals. Nothing she is working towards. She is just floating along without any plan on where she wants to go. Her best friend is working towards being an olympic swimmer. Boy, that kid works hard. Ever seen a ten year old girl with sixpack abs? I have. Even more amazing that she does all this on a diet not containing any dairy, eggs, or nuts since she is allergic (anaphylacts). She is currently in the top 2% in her age group in the country! My daughter on the other hand seems to, at some point, have given up. Her allergies have taken away so much we all grew soft on her. Being highly intelligent and not having to work very hard in many regards added to the problem. Things just kinda come to her. In many ways I really admire my daughter. Of course I love both my kids but my daughter is someone truly amazing. Now we need to find a way to channel this and I have to find a way to guide her.
Her current assignement, not meant for anyone's eyes but her own, is to write in her private journal what her goals and dreams are for herself. It's time to be still, to be contemplative and look within.
For both of us.
My almost eleven year old is sobbing in her room and I am really to bang my head against the wall. I told her that I am not her personal cheering squad and will push her harder as she gets older. Mediocrity will not do. Mediocrity will not get her anywhere in this world. Look where mediocrity has led this country. Hard work and sacrifice by our forfathers built this amazing country. And mediocrity is tearing it down.
(A few minutes later) I just realized that she has no goals. Nothing she is working towards. She is just floating along without any plan on where she wants to go. Her best friend is working towards being an olympic swimmer. Boy, that kid works hard. Ever seen a ten year old girl with sixpack abs? I have. Even more amazing that she does all this on a diet not containing any dairy, eggs, or nuts since she is allergic (anaphylacts). She is currently in the top 2% in her age group in the country! My daughter on the other hand seems to, at some point, have given up. Her allergies have taken away so much we all grew soft on her. Being highly intelligent and not having to work very hard in many regards added to the problem. Things just kinda come to her. In many ways I really admire my daughter. Of course I love both my kids but my daughter is someone truly amazing. Now we need to find a way to channel this and I have to find a way to guide her.
Her current assignement, not meant for anyone's eyes but her own, is to write in her private journal what her goals and dreams are for herself. It's time to be still, to be contemplative and look within.
For both of us.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Everybody's got one...(show me yours, I'll show you mine)
Gotcha!
Now, go pick your mind out of the gutter. There's a dear. Here, sit down, have a cucumber sandwich and a spot of tea. Fancy a biscuit? That's British for cookie.
Everybody's got one? By that I meant 'Opinion'. What floors me is how liberal we all are with our opinions on things which often don't even affect us at all. Throw out some words into any gathering of people and see what happens. Homeschooling and Circumcision just to mention two, are biggies. One thing I'd like to ask those who make such bilious comments about homeschooling is this: "How does my decision to homeschool my children affect you?" Why do you feel entitled to 'bless' us with your unsolicited opinions? Many anti homeschooling opinions are penned by individuals who have little one-on-one experience with homeschoolers. I can see how some teachers may have a dim view of it for a variety of reasons. The thing I am not always sure about is this; are these views truly based solely on their care and concern for the children or a variety of other reasons.
So what is it that invites people, even those not directly impacted by homeschooling, to make comments? Read any homeschooling blog and you are sure to come across personal accounts of homeschooling parents having to fend off often uninformed and negative remarks about their choice. Comments often made by family (in which case I can understand the concern but please educate yourself before opening your mouth) and in many cases strangers. Shouldn't we all make sure we are educated about an issue before we open our mouths.
My son currently has the habit of telling people he meets that he is homeschooled. Out of the blue and for no reason. I wish he wouldn't do that. I don't want people judging my children based on some preconceived negative notion about homeschoolers. Much rather, I'd prefer it to be something they find out later when they know my children and me for who we are. We all have thoughts about a multitude of different topics and issues. But a wise person keeps their thoughts and opinions to themselves unless solicited to share them. Even then it's often wiser to remain silents and noncommittal especially if ones knowledge is third hand and poorly formulated or apt to hurt someones feelings. My feelings about religion, as for example, would ruffle many feathers. Why would I go and trample over what is important to someone else just to hear myself talk?
Rather than accosting someone with a bunch of preconceived notions about something, just ask some questions and really listen to the answers. That's another thing I see a lot of. People ask questions merely as a way to draw one into a conversation. The questions are usually meant as a vehicle to allow the person who asked to then follow it up with their opinions and it often becomes clear that they didn't really listen to the answers given.
Free speech. On so many occasions I told my daughter that Free Speech is one of the things that makes this country so great. One other great thing is the liberal use of the 'Delete' button. Or the 'X' button to close a browser window. It definitely saves some nerves. Just because we have the liberty of Free Speech doesn't necessarily mean that it's one we are required to use all the time. And yet the increasingly narcissistic nature of our society invites more 'opinions' and 'thoughts' than in the decades before.
Silence can be golden.
Now, go pick your mind out of the gutter. There's a dear. Here, sit down, have a cucumber sandwich and a spot of tea. Fancy a biscuit? That's British for cookie.
Everybody's got one? By that I meant 'Opinion'. What floors me is how liberal we all are with our opinions on things which often don't even affect us at all. Throw out some words into any gathering of people and see what happens. Homeschooling and Circumcision just to mention two, are biggies. One thing I'd like to ask those who make such bilious comments about homeschooling is this: "How does my decision to homeschool my children affect you?" Why do you feel entitled to 'bless' us with your unsolicited opinions? Many anti homeschooling opinions are penned by individuals who have little one-on-one experience with homeschoolers. I can see how some teachers may have a dim view of it for a variety of reasons. The thing I am not always sure about is this; are these views truly based solely on their care and concern for the children or a variety of other reasons.
So what is it that invites people, even those not directly impacted by homeschooling, to make comments? Read any homeschooling blog and you are sure to come across personal accounts of homeschooling parents having to fend off often uninformed and negative remarks about their choice. Comments often made by family (in which case I can understand the concern but please educate yourself before opening your mouth) and in many cases strangers. Shouldn't we all make sure we are educated about an issue before we open our mouths.
My son currently has the habit of telling people he meets that he is homeschooled. Out of the blue and for no reason. I wish he wouldn't do that. I don't want people judging my children based on some preconceived negative notion about homeschoolers. Much rather, I'd prefer it to be something they find out later when they know my children and me for who we are. We all have thoughts about a multitude of different topics and issues. But a wise person keeps their thoughts and opinions to themselves unless solicited to share them. Even then it's often wiser to remain silents and noncommittal especially if ones knowledge is third hand and poorly formulated or apt to hurt someones feelings. My feelings about religion, as for example, would ruffle many feathers. Why would I go and trample over what is important to someone else just to hear myself talk?
Rather than accosting someone with a bunch of preconceived notions about something, just ask some questions and really listen to the answers. That's another thing I see a lot of. People ask questions merely as a way to draw one into a conversation. The questions are usually meant as a vehicle to allow the person who asked to then follow it up with their opinions and it often becomes clear that they didn't really listen to the answers given.
Free speech. On so many occasions I told my daughter that Free Speech is one of the things that makes this country so great. One other great thing is the liberal use of the 'Delete' button. Or the 'X' button to close a browser window. It definitely saves some nerves. Just because we have the liberty of Free Speech doesn't necessarily mean that it's one we are required to use all the time. And yet the increasingly narcissistic nature of our society invites more 'opinions' and 'thoughts' than in the decades before.
Silence can be golden.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
T-Boned in a Parking Lot and Twilight Zone.
It's was a good day yesterday. I had my ducks in a row. I went to Staples to get some organizational items and then stopped over at Target (same mall) to get some lunch and a few other items. All necessary items were purchased and the children and I piled back into the car to drive to the office.
I've never been a wild driver. And ever since I ran a stop sign 5 years ago and then got rear-ended last year while at a red light I've become even more cautious. I am not a timid driver (except at night, I stink at night time driving) but I am a defensive driver. Decisive, targeted but not a risk taker. I am a speeding ticket virgin for goodness sakes! So, as I left Target I drove in the designated driving lanes between the parking slots rather than cutting across. I noticed a very large black SUV cutting across the parking spots and slowed down until I saw that the driver noticed my car. I carried on but a few feet later my daughter screamed 'Moooooooooommmm' and before she was done screaming I felt the impact of a car slamming into my car and my car tilting almost onto two wheels while being turned 120 degrees by the impact. I'll add the pictures to this posting tomorrow. My car's right side is smashed. The kids and I are sore but alright. What bothered me is that my airbags did not deploy. Not even the side impact bags. I did call Toyota about that and they are investigating. I drive a Toyota Highlander 2008. Even the woman who hit me, medics and the cop commented on that. The impact car was driven by a woman who was cutting across the parking lot to save a second. It wasn't the car I had previously observed. It was another one which I didn't see at that time. She came from behind a restaurant and a dumpster which is why I never saw her. Anyway, long story short, my car is wrecked and the seat belt has has totally bruised my chest. But we are safe and no one is hurt beyond bruises and sore muscles.
Now, here is the Twilight zone moment. I am not very superstitious but this is bizarre. Last year in August I was rear ended while stopped at a red light, shortly after that my mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly and then there was this customer from hell and then my husband went out of the country. Right now my husband is out of the country, I had a car accident, the same day I saw that the very same customer wants to come back to us. I told Missy yesterday I was afraid for someone's life. This evening one of my employees called me to let me know she may have to leave for a few days, her grandmother the woman who raised her, had another stroke and was expected not to make it. How can this be? This is like the Matrix. Deja Vous? What do you think????
Sorry this is so poorly written but I am tired and need to go to bed now. I'll post the pictures tomorrow.
I've never been a wild driver. And ever since I ran a stop sign 5 years ago and then got rear-ended last year while at a red light I've become even more cautious. I am not a timid driver (except at night, I stink at night time driving) but I am a defensive driver. Decisive, targeted but not a risk taker. I am a speeding ticket virgin for goodness sakes! So, as I left Target I drove in the designated driving lanes between the parking slots rather than cutting across. I noticed a very large black SUV cutting across the parking spots and slowed down until I saw that the driver noticed my car. I carried on but a few feet later my daughter screamed 'Moooooooooommmm' and before she was done screaming I felt the impact of a car slamming into my car and my car tilting almost onto two wheels while being turned 120 degrees by the impact. I'll add the pictures to this posting tomorrow. My car's right side is smashed. The kids and I are sore but alright. What bothered me is that my airbags did not deploy. Not even the side impact bags. I did call Toyota about that and they are investigating. I drive a Toyota Highlander 2008. Even the woman who hit me, medics and the cop commented on that. The impact car was driven by a woman who was cutting across the parking lot to save a second. It wasn't the car I had previously observed. It was another one which I didn't see at that time. She came from behind a restaurant and a dumpster which is why I never saw her. Anyway, long story short, my car is wrecked and the seat belt has has totally bruised my chest. But we are safe and no one is hurt beyond bruises and sore muscles.
Now, here is the Twilight zone moment. I am not very superstitious but this is bizarre. Last year in August I was rear ended while stopped at a red light, shortly after that my mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly and then there was this customer from hell and then my husband went out of the country. Right now my husband is out of the country, I had a car accident, the same day I saw that the very same customer wants to come back to us. I told Missy yesterday I was afraid for someone's life. This evening one of my employees called me to let me know she may have to leave for a few days, her grandmother the woman who raised her, had another stroke and was expected not to make it. How can this be? This is like the Matrix. Deja Vous? What do you think????
Sorry this is so poorly written but I am tired and need to go to bed now. I'll post the pictures tomorrow.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
My Nerves are Shot! S-H-O-T = SHOT.
So, as I take a neat and tidy turn around a residential area (small streets so slow driving) on my way home from an errand I see a kid on a bicycle coming at me. He had already crossed the midline and was headed bulls-eye for my car. He was coming fast and by the time I realized he was looking at something in his hand instead of where he was going he was maybe 5-6 feet from my front bumper. The boy was busy looking down at something in his hand and just didn't see me. I honked the horn and the kid dropped what he was holding and swerved away. He missed my by then stationary car by mere inches. Damned punk-ass kid! Sorry, I told you my nerves are shot. He comes around, not a word to me and proceeds to pick up what he dropped. I had presumed it was a can of soda or something. Nope, this what appeared to be a 13 year old, picked up his cell-phone. He had been busy typing in his cell phone when he almost ran into my car. Did I mention he came down a hill !!!!!!!????????? Slam dunk case, huh? Not my fault you say. Except, at that time I had dialed a friend (address book one button thing) shortly before I made that turn. So I am sure this would have all been pinned on me. Never mind that I was on my side of the road. Never mind, that there was a witness outside the house right by that corner who was watching the whole thing while.... you guessed it, talking on his cell phone. The fact is, had it not been for my wonderful car horn, the kid would without a doubt have left smear marks all over my already bug splattered windshield. And guess what, my hubby is going out of the country tomorrow morning.
Yeah, nerve assassination attempt #1. Now comes part deux. Hubby has fish tanks. Lots of fish tanks. I mean a lot!!!! And of course he tries to clean as many as possible today. So his right arm has been giving him problems and he proceeds to carry a cleaned canister filter down the basement stairs. I suggested he might want to fill the canister filter downstairs since it'll be too heavy to carry. His reply, and I quote: 'What would be the fun in that...' end quote. So, he picks it up and heads downstairs and I keep washing fish rocks when I heard an awful loud crashing noise from the stairs. Well, as you can imagine I was h-o-r-r-i-f-i-e-d and screamed and ran. There he was sitting on the bottom of the stairs by the shattered remains of the canister filter and all it's freshly washed contents. He was OK, though, thank goodness. The canister filter a complete loss. The carpet a mess. But my man was alright, if not a bit rattled.
So, what do a lucky, punk-ass, texting kid and a lucky punk-ass hubby have in common today? They shattered my nerves and live to tell about it....
I am going now to drink a cup of tea and calm my nerves.
Yeah, nerve assassination attempt #1. Now comes part deux. Hubby has fish tanks. Lots of fish tanks. I mean a lot!!!! And of course he tries to clean as many as possible today. So his right arm has been giving him problems and he proceeds to carry a cleaned canister filter down the basement stairs. I suggested he might want to fill the canister filter downstairs since it'll be too heavy to carry. His reply, and I quote: 'What would be the fun in that...' end quote. So, he picks it up and heads downstairs and I keep washing fish rocks when I heard an awful loud crashing noise from the stairs. Well, as you can imagine I was h-o-r-r-i-f-i-e-d and screamed and ran. There he was sitting on the bottom of the stairs by the shattered remains of the canister filter and all it's freshly washed contents. He was OK, though, thank goodness. The canister filter a complete loss. The carpet a mess. But my man was alright, if not a bit rattled.
So, what do a lucky, punk-ass, texting kid and a lucky punk-ass hubby have in common today? They shattered my nerves and live to tell about it....
I am going now to drink a cup of tea and calm my nerves.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Arrrgh, No air conditioning!
So a few weeks my air conditioner started to leak into my furnace and spill out. We had that fixed on Friday. Now, last night I realized my house was cooking hot. Why? The AC was running. But the blower wasn't distributing the cold air. Oh the pain..... Well, I called two local companies and just to have them come out to our house and diagnose the problem after business hours runs around 190 bucks. Say whaaaaat? I just paid about $170 on Friday, I am broke! Ramen noodles and boiled eggs for the next few weeks. Just kidding, not that bad, but still bad enough. Repairing a furnace blower can be costly and we may just have to replace the furnace if the cost is too high because it has other issues. No point in spending $800 - $900 on a blower and then have to replace the whole thing again in a few months. But I don't have that kinda cash just lying around. Hello, consumer confidence is at an 11 month low, give me a boost here.....
Sorry, I know this is so not interesting but I had to vent. At least I can send the kids to a nice cool office if needed and we can even sleep there if the house gets too hot meanwhile. It's 84F right now and it's supposed to go to 89F for the high and 69F for the low. With the high dewpoints we are enjoying not the weather I can leave the windows open at.
Rats!!!
Sorry, I know this is so not interesting but I had to vent. At least I can send the kids to a nice cool office if needed and we can even sleep there if the house gets too hot meanwhile. It's 84F right now and it's supposed to go to 89F for the high and 69F for the low. With the high dewpoints we are enjoying not the weather I can leave the windows open at.
Rats!!!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Childhood Obesity vs. Babies dying of Malnutrition
I just read an article on msnbc.com about a 14 month old baby who died of dehydration (because of diarrhea) in Haiti. And as I clicked out of the story I see another one.. "First Lady begins fight on childhood obesity".
Isn't it sad? How millions of children all over the world are starving to death and dying of preventable diseases while our children in the US are getting sick from a preventable disease too... obesity. The obese children are, however, suffering from a disease induced by their parents and other caregivers. We are the enablers. We are the ones with the car keys and the wallet. Lack of information? Come on... the web is full with information about the harmful effects of childhood obesity and steps to remedy the situation. And just about all public libraries have PC's with Internet access.
Dozens of children are dying every week in Haiti for the simple lack of clean water and food. Millions of Dollars are being poured into Haiti and...wanna bet, just like 'Baby Duck' Duvall , this president (Rene Preval) will help himself to a good chunk of that. All the while the children in his country are suffering.
... sorry, just had to vent....
Isn't it sad? How millions of children all over the world are starving to death and dying of preventable diseases while our children in the US are getting sick from a preventable disease too... obesity. The obese children are, however, suffering from a disease induced by their parents and other caregivers. We are the enablers. We are the ones with the car keys and the wallet. Lack of information? Come on... the web is full with information about the harmful effects of childhood obesity and steps to remedy the situation. And just about all public libraries have PC's with Internet access.
Dozens of children are dying every week in Haiti for the simple lack of clean water and food. Millions of Dollars are being poured into Haiti and...wanna bet, just like 'Baby Duck' Duvall , this president (Rene Preval) will help himself to a good chunk of that. All the while the children in his country are suffering.
... sorry, just had to vent....
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