A Must-Read-Blog Entry at Parentatthehelm.com

http://www.parentatthehelm.com/6666/homeschooling-parent-responds-to-disneys-teacher-of-the-year/

I found a link to this post on the current CoH. I strongly recommend you take the time to read this well worded and thought-out response to Disney's Teacher of the Year article.

Boredom Busters?

If you are a parent you are guaranteed to have heard the whine: 'Mom, I'm booooored.'
What should we do? Many parents pack their children's days full with activities even during summer. Kids go to all sorts of camps and activities in the hope of staving off the summer doldrums. I on the other hand, will try to have a healthy balance between activities and carefully cultivated boredom.

'Huh?'
.................................

Here is what usually happens:


'Mom, I am bored.'

'Mmmmmm.'

'What shall I do?'

'How about playing with your cars, or coloring?'

'I don't feel like it.'

'Ok, how about....'

..............Well, you probably know how this goes on. I keep coming up with other ideas and they all are summarily rejected.

Then...

'Can I watch some TVeeeeeeee?'

'Nope.'

'Can I go on the computer?'

'Nope.'

'Can I play with the DS?'

'Nope.'

'But I am so booooored....'

'Too bad.'

The victim of my callousness slinks off to brood on the unfairness of it all.  As he ascends the stairs to his room I may hear some stomping. Sort of his way of telling me that he isn't impressed with me at all.

I could say I sigh but I normally just grin.

And eventually my son, my youngest, does come up with something to entertain himself.

Unless, ....

                      .....he gets hold of his dad, in which case the conversation usually lasts only 2 minutes (at the utmost) and ends with the beeping sounds of the TV being turned on.

Pushover.

Wienie.

Marshmallow.

And here comes the 'when I grew up' yarn.

Yawn.

I had to haul water from an icy river after chopping wood for an hour and then I walked many miles to school. Upon coming home I had to milk the cows, swap the deck....
Seriously, even Tom Sawyer didn't have to do that. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

But in all honesty,  I think I had a better childhood than my kids. We didn't have countless TV shows clamoring for our attention. There were no videogames. And personal PCs didn't exist either.

Uh-uh. I think I just dated myself.

We played outside all day long. And read books. And then acted out the stories. We rode our bikes everywhere (without helmets) and swam in the local  pond. Of course I grew up in a small village in Germany and these things were not only perfectly safe but also normal.  Would I let my daughter ride her bike alone to her friend who lives a few blocks away? Heck no!  Sad. Isn't it. 

Let's bring this conversation back to the word.

Boredom.  B-O-R-E-D-O-M. BOOOOORRRREDOM.

Boredom forces the mind to stop spinning. It forces a child's mind to relax for a little while and step back. Boredom comes in stages.

Stage one: The realization that the current activity has become less than satisfying.

Stage two: You keep doing the activity because you are hoping it'll become fun again.

Stage three: You give up the activity and maybe try something else with similar results.

Stage four: You realize that you are bored.

Stage five: You sit in your room and drool on yourself. After a while you attempt to fill that mental space with something else. If you are a teenager you may fall asleep. Or you pick up the phone to find someone to talk to. Eventually you'll start doing things which may or may not be stupid or dangerous and realize you are not bored anymore.  If the bored child is not a teen he or she will go on the prowl to find something to fill that mental space.

Hello, it echoes in here, someone fill me up.

Don't.

Let them fill it up themselves. Just provide the raw materials.

When nothing comes to fill up the space the child will eventually come up with something creative to fill the space. 

Boredom encourages thinking. It encourages creativity. But only if we allow the child to fill the space herself.  To fill the space without our input of activities and especially without the use of electronic baby sitters. Give them options. At their disposal have Legos, crafts, art, books, discovery in the backyard, train the pet stupid tricks. Etc. It can't be spoon-fed entertainment as that defeats the purpose, the children have to use their brains to come up with something. 

Allow your child to experience and deal with boredom. He or she will become a much safer teen. Teenagers who never learned to manage boredom will be far more likely to engage in risky behaviour just to stop feeling that way.  Teach them from young on to be creative. Yes, it may be that your young child will come into the kitchen and say he wants to cook or bake or borrow pots and pans to make a percussion set up for 'music'. And when they do, don't you dare say 'No', if you can at all help it. Be creative with them and hand them a spoon.

Joy

Saturday and Sunday blessed us with amazing spring weather. It was sunny and quite warm with temps going into the low eighties even. We cleaned our screened-in porch and yard and enjoyed the outdoors all day long. All the while our doors and windows were wide open and the kids ran around outside all day long playing in the yard. Even the neighbors commented on that.
Now, why would a neighbor comment on that? Because they haven't seen Missy outside in spring for years. Until last year they didn't see her in summer and fall or winter either.  In prior years we had the house bolted shut. Open windows? Not a chance. Playing outside? Are you insane? Bear is so attached to his sister that he never wanted to play outside if she didn't come too.  So, he too, once he left daycare, didn't get much outside time in.
Yes, she'll probably be a tad itchy for the next few days. And it wouldn't surprise me if the inhaler got used a bit more, but it's worth it. The joy of seeing my children play outside is so great I wiped a secret tear of joy here and there. Even now as I see these words take shape on my digital paper.  They replace tears (equally secret) of sorrow when I'd see my little girl stand by the window watching the children of the neighborhood play outside. Or when I'd see her thin, bony, scratched bloody shoulders slump in defeat when I refused to listen to her entreaties of 'Mom, I promise I'll stay on the concrete, I won't touch the grass, please, just one minute, just one minute.' It broke her spirit and my heart.
I guess the treatment is working. She is getting allergy shots. And I firmly believe that removing her from school made a huge difference. Her body no longer had to constantly combat all those  allergens everbody brought to class on their clothing. Her immune system was allowed to calm down. But all that is technical. Meanwhile, I'll gladly have tissue boxes in strategic locations all over the house for my sneezy kids if it means they can play outside like normal kids.

Which is the Beast in your Homeschool?

Which subject has the greatest power in your home? In ours its clearly the Beast called 'Math'. It is a fearsome beastie indeed, as it, unseen, creeps into my daughter's heart and reduces her to a red-eyed, frustrated, angry, young girl. We are doing algebra right now.  Very simple algebra  and yet she has convinced herself that it's hard.  Until she stops doing that I can't help her.
I moved away from her into another room while she solves six simple questions. I hear sighs, snorts and the occasional sniffle of barely suppressed tears of frustration. Here is a kid who thinks electron configuration is fun and yet the simple act of finding the lcm or lcd of 3 or 4 denominators is a source of frustration.  I am frustrated too because I gave her simplest way to find out that information (courtesy of her math wiz Dad) and can't think of anything easier. Heck, If I understand it, trust me... it's easy!!!  I wish I could help her and I wish I could instill in her a sense of peace. Everything comes to her so easily in terms of academics, this makes a challenge to her all the more frustrating.  But even though I know she is frustrated I piled on 6 more questions as I believe in challenges. Running away from them won't do. Will I do a 'tiger mom' thing on her? Heaven's forbid, no! But those six questions will be answered today.

I don't do Chinese Mothering and my Kids are still OK!

As the evidence suggests, Amy Chua, and her Chinese mothering techniques are the topic of much discussion among thousands of parents. If over 5,700 comments on the WSJ article alone wasn't enough any site that carried the article and permitted comments/feedback was certainly inundated. We talked about the article a  great deal in our home since we read it in the Saturday Edition of The Wallstreet Journal.  Aside from her insufferable air of superiority there is a lot to be learned from this. It made me evaluate our parenting philosophy.



Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior



Can a regimen of no playdates, no TV, no computer games and hours of music practice create happy kids? And what happens when they fight back?
By AMY CHUA


A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
• attend a sleepover
• have a playdate
• be in a school play
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities

• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin.

***We are a family that places a great deal of importance in academic achievement. But we understand that the success of a person rests not only in a ton of academic achievements, or conversely having six extra curricular activities under ones belt  per week but in a balance thereof.  Being in a school play fosters a number of important skills which these children most likely lack. Participating in playdates and sleep-overs fosters the exchange of ideas. It also allows children to have a glimpse into the life and ways of other families, see the differences and similarities and respecting and learning from those. One would suspect that Amy Chua didn't want her children to 'get any ideas' and therefore prevented interaction with other children. How sad!
I'm using the term "Chinese mother" loosely. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I'm also using the term "Western parents" loosely. Western parents come in all varieties.

*** I know some parents who somewhat qualify but none to the extent of Amy Chua. The bunch of Indian parents I know, who like Amy Chua, focus greatly on academic and artistic achievement all temper their drive with time off, even if limited. Those kids can go on playdates, participate in school plays and are well-rounded individuals.

 All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.

***I think daily practise is important but honestly would I be willing to hover over my kids 2-3 hours a day while they practise the violin? Not a chance. And not because I don't love music but because I know that they are unlikely to be the next YoYo Ma.  I would much rather let them play and explore and be truly creative than practise hours of music. Half to one hour of practise? Great idea! 2-3 hours? Waste of time.

Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun." By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be "the best" students, that "academic achievement reflects successful parenting," and that if children did not excel at school then there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing their job." Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.

****I believe both, that learning must be fun and interesting to be something the student can be passionate about. How many of us can recall classes with teachers whose lukewarm delivery all but lulled us to sleep? ( Mrs. Das I am talking about you.....) But I also believe that my childrens' academic achievements reflects on me as a parent. Let me elaborate. My husband and I believe that the parents' strong involvement in their child's schooling goes a long way in creating success. Many western parents I know, aren't willing (or able) to spend that much time and effort. And I don't mean bringing  cookies once in a while to the class or staying to help the teacher for a theater production. I mean the daily grind of reviewing what the child learned that day, supervising homework and making sure the child understood it all. Many folks feel they can just leave all that to the teacher and the school and then holler bloody murder when their kids get grades that reflect that mindset. Parents are the single most driving force in a student's success. Show me a parent who has a 'who cares, it ain't my job, that's what I pay taxes for' attitude and I'll show you a student with the same 'who cares' attitude to match.

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something-whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet- he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.
Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can't. Once when I was young-maybe more than once-when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me "garbage" in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.
As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the remaining guests.

***I couldn't decide whether to cry after reading this or be outraged. There are somethings my parents have done which were outrageously insulting. Specifically my Dad who has anger management issues and I remember them to this day. I will never verbally abuse my children like Ms. Chua. Sure, we all will, by the time we are done raising our kids, be accused of saying something we regret later on. Calling my child names when he or she is being disrespectful to me is a lack of control. Just because the child acted in a reprehensible manner doesn't warrant my acting in a likewise manner. Who is the grown up here?

The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable-even legally actionable-to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty-lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western father toast his adult daughter by calling her "beautiful and incredibly competent." She later told me that made her feel like garbage.)


Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, "You're lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you." By contrast, Western parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they're not disappointed about how their kids turned out.

*** I am not perfect and therefore cannot DEMAND perfection from my children. I can only suggest it and tell them to expect if from themselves.

I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do. I think there are three big differences between the Chinese and Western parental mind-sets.
 First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.
For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child "stupid," "worthless" or "a disgrace." Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher's credentials.
If a Chinese child gets a B- which would never happen-there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.
Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home.)


*** Here to some extent I must agree. American society, has become increasingly narcissistic. And mediocrity is completely accepted. How many of us have been to little league ball games, tumbling/gymnastic/cheerleading  meets, and other minor events and seen every kid toddle off with a little trophy. We pat them on the back and the result is that we've ended up teaching these kids two things, and both wrong. ONE- you don't need to work hard to become good at something, someone will give you rewards just for having a pulse and showing up. And TWO- Patience and perseverance is not needed in life. We are a microwave society and your trophy will be ready in 5,4,3,2,1, Enjoy-your-meal, seconds.  Shaming a child is definitely not the way to go. But for goodness sakes, what is wrong with setting some goals and standards and let these kids strive for something higher in life. I can instill a drive for success in my children without shaming them. But I don't praise mediocrity either. 

 Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it's true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.
By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents. My husband, Jed, actually has the opposite view. "Children don't choose their parents," he once said to me. "They don't even choose to be born. It's parents who foist life on their kids, so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids." This strikes me as a terrible deal for the Western parent.

***Yes, my duty is to my children. They were born per our choice! It is that sense of duty that fuels me to do my best while I help them grow their wings and learn to fly! It is important that they learn from me about this world that surrounds us and how to navigate it. They owe me their hard work in the sense that I expect us to be a team.   

Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences. That's why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can't go to sleepaway camp. It's also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, "I got a part in the school play! I'm Villager Number Six. I'll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I'll also need a ride on weekends." God help any Chinese kid who tried that one.

Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely different parenting model.

Here's a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style. Lulu was about 7, still playing two instruments, and working on a piano piece called "The Little White Donkey" by the French composer Jacques Ibert. The piece is really cute-you can just imagine a little donkey ambling along a country road with its master-but it's also incredibly difficult for young players because the two hands have to keep schizophrenically different rhythms.

Lulu couldn't do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands together, one always morphed into the other, and everything fell apart. Finally, the day before her lesson, Lulu announced in exasperation that she was giving up and stomped off.

"Get back to the piano now," I ordered.
"You can't make me."
"Oh yes, I can."

Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn't have "The Little White Donkey" perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, "I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?" I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn't do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.

Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu--which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her-and that he didn't think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the technique-perhaps she didn't have the coordination yet-had I considered that possibility?

*** Jed was right, calling a child lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic is insulting and abusive. "You just don't believe in her," I accused.

"That's ridiculous," Jed said scornfully. "Of course I do."

"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."

"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.

"Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes. "Everyone is special in their special own way," I mimicked sarcastically. "Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don't worry, you don't have to lift a finger. I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."
I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn't let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.
Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together-her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing-just like that.
Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.

***Yes, I have used similar tactics with my daughter when it came to some math (division) recently. However, I did feed and water the child and I did not verbally abuse her. Missy was informed that careless mistakes on something so basic were inexcusable and she would have to do three more question for every one she got wrong. It took a few hours, some Kleenex and snacks but she did it! Here is the crux though, Amy Chua stayed by her daughter's side the entire time. So did I. You cannot succeed in this if you aren't willing to put in the time.


"Mommy, look-it's easy!" After that, she wanted to play the piece over and over and wouldn't leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up. When she performed "The Little White Donkey" at a recital a few weeks later, parents came up to me and said, "What a perfect piece for Lulu-it's so spunky and so her."


Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.
There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids' true interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it's a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.

Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.

***I think a balanced approach is the way to go. Admittedly I expect a lot from my children. But as a homeschooling mother that merely means that I must expect much from myself. I cannot blame anyone but myself if my kids don't do well academically.  However, I believe in their self esteem. I believe in love and kindness. I believe in being strict and demanding but tempering  my expectations with the understanding and acceptance of the fact that my children are just  that... children. They need the opportunity to play pretend. They need the opportunity to meet other people and see how they live  to truly succeed in this world. And yes, my kids watch TV, they watch the news and they do play video games.  Amy Chua's children probably have somewhat of a myopic view of this world since their mother has chosen to curtail their horizon so severely.  Are Amy Chua's daughters exceptionally talented in what they do? Without a doubt! How well they'll end up doing in the real world where they have to deal with other people and their viewpoints is up for debate.

 Amy Chua is a professor at Yale Law School and author of "Day of Empire" and "World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred and Global Instability." This essay is excerpted from "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua, to be published Tuesday by the Penguin Press, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Copyright © 2011 by Amy Chua.

Arrggh! Perfectionism meets Teenage Hormones!

This morning is not shaping up too well. My ten year old daughter is upstairs in her room sobbing her eyes out because she didn't get a glowing critique on a piece of creative writing.  She has a tendency to mix the tense mid paragraph going from present perfect to past perfect. Additionally she failed to meet the assignement's real purpose, to create a character and tell us about her. 

My almost eleven year old is sobbing in her room and I am really to bang my head against the wall. I told her that I am not her personal cheering squad and will push her harder as she gets older. Mediocrity will not do. Mediocrity will not get her anywhere in this world. Look where mediocrity has led this country. Hard work and sacrifice by our forfathers built this amazing country. And mediocrity is tearing it down.

(A few minutes later) I just realized that she has no goals. Nothing she is working towards. She is just floating along without any plan on where she wants to go. Her best friend is working towards being an olympic swimmer. Boy, that kid works hard. Ever seen a ten year old girl with sixpack abs? I have. Even more amazing that she does all this on a diet not containing any dairy, eggs, or nuts since she is allergic (anaphylacts).  She is currently in the top 2% in her age group in the country! My daughter on the other hand seems to, at some point, have given up.  Her allergies have taken away so much we all grew soft on her. Being highly intelligent and not having to work very hard in many regards added to the problem. Things just kinda come to her. In many ways I really admire my daughter. Of course I love both my kids but my daughter is someone truly amazing.  Now we need to find a way to channel this and I have to find a way to guide her.

Her current assignement, not meant for anyone's eyes but her own, is to write in her private journal what her goals and dreams are for herself.  It's time to be still, to be contemplative and look within.

For both of us.

Actions and Consequences

What do you think of my decision? Please be honest.

A few weeks ago I found one of my son's  t-shirts with several scissor cuts in the hem area. When confronted he (eventually) admitted to cutting the t-shirt.  Don't you hate the sentence ' I don't knooooowwwww.....' You know the kind you get when you ask your kid why in the name of Sam Hill they did something?! It was a brand new shirt and I wasn't pleased. I gave him a scolding and a stern warning that he could only cut paper and only with permission. Later I found another t-shirt with a cut in the bottom. I didn't say anything figuring it had happened shortly before the one I'd found previously.
This morning I noticed my daughters' Corbin Bleau (sp?) concert ticket on her desk. I wondered why it wasn't in it's usual place but didn't say anything suspecting that she was rearranging her belongings. I should mention that she met the singer/actor and he autographed that ticket.
Hours later I heard much commotion. My son (who turned 5 in August btw), cut up the ticket. I gave him a spank on the derriere this time and grounded him for the rest of the weekend. No sweets, desserts, tv or pc time. Now IT man is mad at me for messing up the weekend. He felt I should just have left the grounding to the rest of the day until evening. You see, Saturday is family TV night. We watch a movie and eat a steak dinner.  Now that we won't watch the tube together tonight IT man is boycotting steak and family time. Thanks, I love being the family ogre. Apparently we can't do without the TV. He feels my punishment is too severe and is irate that it affects our family movie time. Gee, sorry I didn't time Bear's bad behaviour better.  He should have done this on a Monday. He also feels Bear shouldn't have had access to scissors and that I shouldn't teach him how to cut stuff up even though I told him that this was necessary fine motor skills practise we must do. He found the scissors in his big sister's desk by the way.

So, you experienced mothers and fathers out there. Please let me know what you guys think.  Was I too severe?  I know this is quite a severe punishment but feel that the lack of punishment during the t-shirt episode contributed to this. My parents were big on punishments. His parents quite the opposite. I strive for the middleground. Our children are rarely punished. Scolded and sit down meetings happen with some more frequency but two day groundings can be counted on one hand for both combined. 

How do you discipline your kids? Do you discuss the punishement together or does one parent usually assume the ogre role?  How do you handle the situation when one of you disagrees with the punishment?

Recommended Reading: The Creativity Crisis - A Newsweek Article

A fascinating article by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman on Newsweek talks about the slow but noticeable and steady dwindling of creativity among American children. This alarming trend has been studied and is very worrisome.

What’s shocking is how incredibly well Torrance’s creativity index predicted those kids’ creative accomplishments as adults. Those who came up with more good ideas on Torrance’s tasks grew up to be entrepreneurs, inventors, college presidents, authors, doctors, diplomats, and software developers. Jonathan Plucker of Indiana University recently reanalyzed Torrance’s data. The correlation to lifetime creative accomplishment was more than three times stronger for childhood creativity than childhood IQ.

The advantage we have here as homeschooling parents is that it gives us greater leeway and opportunities to foster imagination and creativity in our children. But I think all parents should take this seriously. How creative can children be when they are constantly stimulated by outside forces. The TV, the PC, Nintendo, PS3, X-Box I could go on an on. We let them turn on the TV or videogame just so they stop whining at us.
For what it's worth my children play with more imagination than some of their playmates but after reading this article I cannot help but be convinced that I have to provide them with more guidance and inspiration to be imaginative and creative.

Unschooling : How Good Morning America Got It All Wrong according to Lee Stranahan

I found a link to an interesting article on Alasandra's Homeschool Blog. Since my reply to the article and post turned out to be so lengthy I decided to do it on my on blog. Alasandra, with her amazing skill at finding interesting articles, posts and other information did it again. Thank You!
*************************************************

While the article was certainly well written and witty at times I noticed the fact that Mr. Stranahan noted how his son enrolled and successfully caught up with his 7th grade peers in public school. What shocked and dismayed me that the youth was unfamiliar with basic math concepts such as long division etc. Fortunately he was able to catch up. I wonder though, would Mr.Stranahan have taken him out of public school again if his son had struggled with the lessons and not been able to catch up? Would he have realized at that time that while the youth had in many regards undoubtedly a well rounded education he was lacking some important mathematical concepts he would have to be able to use in real life later on? Would he have abandoned some of the unschooling method he employed to fill those glaring gaps in education ? Kudos to the child for being able to do so and a fair amount of luck too.


I went to a German Waldorf school from 3rd grade through 8th grade until we switched countries in '84. I had to learn English and eventually enrolled in a very good private school. I was lucky to be admitted for 8th grade in '86 in February. I did awfully in the finals which were only a few months later. When they promoted me to 9th grade due to my age I refused. I insisted that if I were to have any chance at all I would need to repeat 8th grade as I had seen that a lot of key highschool academia was taught then and I had missed it all. Waldorf, while a cozy, feel good, kumbaya sort of a school failed to provide me with a strong basic science and math background. I had a great art background. Music, art, history... I loved and aced it all. But I lacked a thorough basic science education. That basic science background was taught at the other school 6th grade onwards. I struggled on and eventually did alright in Math, fabulously in Biology (which I loved) and abysmally in Chemistry which to this day I don't really get. My first day of school saw me getting into trouble with Mrs. Singhdeo, the geography teacher, when she asked me what the atmosphere was made up of. I innocently answered 'AIR'. She though I was being a smartass because the whole class errupted in giggles. I was in 8th grade and had never learned what the atmosphere surrounding our planet really consisted of. But man, I knew how to make beautiful candles. I knew how to grow wheat, grind it and make bread. I knew how to make lovely dolls, I could play Bach, Mozart and other composers works on various instruments. Watercolor painting, knitting and sewing, carpentry, woodworking, pottery, it was all right up my alley. But a simple question about Earth Science left me floundering and pissing off annoying a teacher on day one.  And Mrs. Singhdeo was not a woman to be triffled with. What I am driving at here is the fact that Mr. S. was goshdarned lucky that his son was able to catch up. Actually his son was luckiest of all. It turns out that I love biology and medicine. I read college level biology and some medical books while still in highschool. Just for the fun of it. Had it not been for the fact that I thought Chemistry was magic and never to be comprehended by my puny mind I would, undoubtedly, have gone into medicine.

While I condemn GMA for their hack-job journalism in the case at hand I must state a clear reservation when it comes to pure unschooling. I imagine that almost all homeschooling parents indulge in a bit of unschooling. We did this morning. The children went (unplanned) outside with their sketch books and sketched some plants in our backyard. Then they came in, learned about them and wrote about them. Now, while this is all very nice and they had a blast, how many unschooled kids will ask to learn necessary skills such as long division, algebra and fractions? I learned from my example that my children must be taught a variety of subjects, even the ones that don't always appear to be the most fun. To do otherwise would limit their future.

Will paddling in Texas solve behavior problems?

An article in the Washington Post covers the school district of Temple, TX decision to allow the arcane practice of paddling their students. The people of that city seem to think that the threat of paddling will go a long way in changing their misbehaved students to obedient, malleable citizens. Clicking in to the 'User Poll' button on the article (I'll let you guess what I voted for) I was shocked to see the results. 72 % of 690 users (by the time I clicked on it at 2:42 PM CMT) voted YES! Yegaaads! The overwhelming amount of readers actually think that paddling is an effective incentive to coax students into good behavior.


There have been many studies done that clearly show that physical violence towards our children will not result in better human beings. I trust that if you read this post and article that you are indeed quite capable of doing the research yourself.

My post here isn't to reiterate the negative results of spanking but rather my thoughts on the holes in the thought processes of Temple, TX's residents. They mistakenly think that it is the schools responsibility to teach these young students a lesson via threatened and actual violence. They actually believe that these young people need to get their lessons in good behavior and citizenship from the schools. Yes, children spend an average 7-8 hours of their day at school but by the time schools get the kids along with their bad behavior (endorsed by their parents and caregivers) its already too late!!!. Good behavior and moral code are supposed to be imparted by the parents or caregivers. Parents are too busy to really interact with their kids, they don't even teach them basic manners. I get absolutely irritated when my kids' friends call me by my first name. I gently reinforce - 'that would be Mrs. B' dearie. My kids would never dream of calling an adult anything other than Mr & Mrs or Ms. Why? Because I felt that they should learn formal manners towards adults. They can call their peers by their given names. There is a reason why my kids are welcome everywhere and people can't stop praising them. And I didn't expect their schools to teach them those manners. It was and is my job. My kids wouldn't dream of wearing inappropriate clothes.... because I WON'T BUY THEM. Missy and BearBear behave well not out of fear but because they can't imagine behaving any other way. Now, if there were any people reading this post some would likely have this comment 'I won't raise my kids to be automatons'. And you are right. You shouldn't! How about raising well behaved, thoughtful, kind, and polite people with a mind of their own and the intelligence to bring it to life in a productive and constructive way. It irks me (to put it mildly) that this generation of parents feels that it is the teachers and schools who should bear the burden of what is really our own responsibility.. the raising of our children. Put the paddle away and work with the parents. You can beat the crud out of the kids but if they never had the initial guidance from their parents you are wasting wood. That's where raising young people should start with the parents. And there is no reason at all why it shouldn't start from day one... at home.

'Return to sender' or 'I'm done playing with the Russian boy, you can have him back...'

Unless you've been living under a rock these past days I am sure you heard about the 7 year old Russian lad who was shipped back to Russia when his adoptive mother decided he wasn't her particular flavor of coffee. Outrage is the most commonly heard sentiment as one listens to people talk about this and I think they are right.
 
Shortly after marrying my husband I adopted a large lab/great dane (18 months old) mix from the local pound. He was a darling dog. Huge and loveable. But no matter how hard I worked with him I couldn't stop him from destroying everything. And Cesar Milan wasn't around back then. He wasn't my first dog (nor my last) and I consider myself a good dog parent. My dogs poop and pee on command for goodness sake... LOL. However, it got to the point where my darling hubby of all of a few months said: 'Honey, me or the dog.' I chose my husband. I personally took the dog back to the pound (no-kill shelter) and explained the circumstances. They agreed that he was better suited to a farm than a suburban home. They did say that they would find him a farm although that wasn't something they normally did. To this day I feel bad about this. But this is the scoop. I chose my human long term husband (married 16 years now) over the pet. But the story we are all talking about deals with a very real little boy. Not a dog.

  That being said someone should have told the lady before took those actions:  

• "This isn't a dog, honey, this is a little boy called Artem who has problems. "
•  
• "You legally adopted this child and he is yours. Warts and all. Deal with it. "
•  
• "There is help. Artem needs counseling and evidently so do you. Get yourselves the help you both need."
•  
• "Think about this...had this child been born to you and had behavioral problems, what would you have done???"
•  
• "Stop watching stupid horror movies. "
•  
• "When you signed the papers this boy became legally yours. What you did is abandonment and apart from illegal is also amoral. " 

There are days when I threaten my kids too. My personal favorites are 'Some animals eat their young and I know why.' Or 'I will have your drawn, quartered, tarred, and feathered so help me......' I understand getting frustrated, but abandoning a child is reprehensible. I understand she wasn’t able to ‘bond’ with Artem but that takes time. What did she expect? Didn’t she research? Kids from Russia and other ‘East Block’ countries often have psychological issues. Did she think she was going to bring a kid to another country, culture and life and all of a sudden it’s all peace, happiness and kumbaya? What kind of guidance did she receive through the adoption process?

There was help available to the lady if she had just made an effort to look for it. I would imagine that what the spokespeople for Torry Hansen said is true. That the adoption agency may have kept some behavioural issues from coming to light. But let us remember the real looser here. Artem. His problems are not his fault. And as someone who has changed continents twice (once as a teenager and later as an adult) let me tell you this... it's hard!!!! One should hardly be surprised that 7 year old Artem acted out. The kid needed a therapist NOT A PLANE TICKET!!!

If I could say something to the little boy it would be this. "Honey, I suspect in your seven years on this planet you've seen some serious pain. And all a child your age should receive from his caregiers is love and caring . I know you are hurting and I sincerely hope that someone will give you not only the love you deserve but also the help and guidance you desperately need. Not all people are like the woman who abandoned you. In fact, most aren't. I understand that it will take you a long time to trust someone again, but do give it a try. "

And to the Russian authorities now eyeballing other American future adoptive parents with distrust... we are not all like this woman. Please, please, please do not judge all of the hopeful loving future adoptive parents under the shadow of this one incident.

From the mouth of the innocent...

At times we wonder just how much information our little angels do absorb without our knowledge.

Our almost 4½ year old son was watching football with his dad yesterday. On comes a Viagra ad. My darling little angel looks over his shoulder and in a very matter of fact way says to my dh " you need to get yourself some of those." When I asked my dh what his reaction was he merely said he was glad that he didn't have a mouth full of beer at that moment.

Now, all that being said I have a pet peeve. Well, actually I have many. This is just one of them. Why do the networks run ads during games etc. that want to make parents either cover their childrens' eyes or ears or both? Football is family time in many homes. Does my 10 year old really have to listen to Viva Viagra songs or Cialis' - when you are ready? She is starting to understand some stuff and my 4½ year old (like all preschoolers) parots everything he hears and sees. I know it's all about making money but really....?

Everybody still asleep....

It isn't even that early. It's MLKjr. day and I do intend to teach today. Well, an abridged school day shall we say. We will learn about MLK and listen to his speech. And then use the speech for vocabulary. Daughter will go to friends' house in the afternoon. That leaves me with a bored little boy. We may go to the "Hawai". He calls the local 'Y' the "Hawai". The pool is great and has a fun kids section. There is also a big slide which scares me silly because it goes so fast. Not that that scares me per se but whenever I find my self on the slide I happen to have a four year old little boy on my lap. And with all the turns the slide makes I am terrified of turning over on top of him and then heading over the edge into the pool. Water doesn't faze him but the pressure of my adult body on his tiny one would cause some damage for sure. He is a tiny boy. He weighs only about 30 lbs and is almost 4½.

I hear steps time to go. More later.

The Best Potty Training Tool - EVER!

When my daughter was just a few days away from turning two years old we decided it was potty training time. Being a first time mom I was full of good intentions. Many were sabotaged by my dear friend Shannon. You see, Shannon was an experienced mother. After all, by the time I had my first, she had two daughters. So my aim to keep her away from sugary cereal? Sabotaged. The saboteur... Shannon of course. The weapon of choice.... Frootloops. My other good intention was keeping my delicate child safe from popcorn. Yeah, you guessed it.

But as it came to chocolate I had her swear that she wouldn't introduce my daughter to that. Shannon did keep her promise and boy am I glad she did. Because it became (upon her suggestion) a potty training tool. Every time my little flower went to the bathroom she could choose 1 mini baking m&m. And only if she correctly told me the color. And if she did a big potty she got five of those little morsels. The result? Potty training in record time. And she learned all her colors to boot.

As my friend Catherine stated : she'd potty train for chocolate any day too.

So I'm 'Old School'...

Grocery stores are marvelous places to observe people. One not only gets a front row seat in their kitchen (or lack thereof), one also has a chance to study behavior. People are often stressed and tired when there and so the behavior reflects that. Take the case of two young parents out shopping with their three year old daughter. The little girl, probably tired herself after a long day, did what all three year old children do. She kept taking items of the shelves 'just like Mommy and Daddy'. And mommy finally bent down, tore the latest acquisition out of her daughters' hands with an exasperated " Haven't I fucking told you not to keep doing that?"

Really?

Its not as though I don't cuss. The "f" word in particular is such a versatile expression. But in front of your child and even to your own child?

I had a long conversation with the husband of a close friend of mine. Turns out we have similar parenting opinions. And one thing he said really hit home... Not because it was so novel. But because he put it so succinctly. 'America is wallowing in and promoting mediocrity. The classic 'nail on the head' statement, if you ask me. Well, no one is, but anyway. Take trash like all those reality shows. Take American Idol or America's got Talent. eeeeep....

No wonder so many parents are joining the ever burgeoning ranks of homeschoolers because they cannot, in good conscience, sentence and condemn their children to those halls of ignorance. Public Schools.

Monday Monday Monday!

So Monday came after all and we are back to our comfortable routine.

The little hiccup of the morning came in the form of my sensitive first born. We use a wonderful vocabulary book called "Wordly Wise" Vol. 4. And part of each lesson includes reading a few paragraphs and answering subsequent questions. Well, she did quite poorly. Now mind you, I have a high standard for her. She is so smart and about a grade level ahead but the work today was shoddy. I suspect she was listening to the story I was reading to her brother rather than focusing on her work and it showed. Some of the sentences weren't even sentences. I pointed out each mistake and told her they needed to be redone. I also pointed out that she clearly couldn't have re-read the sentences after writing them because she would have immediately noticed the problems. Of course my daughter promptly burst into tears. She is competitive and hates not getting something right or not being praised. It may sound heartless but I flat out told her that I wasn't her cheerleading squad but her teacher and assigned her the work as homework to be completed by Friday.

Mom's a bitch.

And I wear that title with pride.

My mom was/is a bitch too. Frankly in my book that's praise. We women have to be bitches at times. My mom could be a real bitch and although I really hated her at times (especially when I was a rebellious teen) I am really grateful now.

My son too is beginning to see me as less of a cheerleader now. He is four. Time to man up. I refuse to praise a lousy artistic endevour. You know, the kind where they scribble something together in a few minutes and expect you to treat it like the latest Dali. Na ahhh. If I see something I know he put effort into and did his very best that's different. I am sure, if anyone were to ever read this blog I'd get an earful about quashing my childrens' creative development.

Das ist mir auch ganz egal....
(Figure that one out)